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I never forget her. Never have, never will. I may be distracted by the toxicity I face in school, may be distracted by the happiness of being with people who make me happy, may be lost sometimes in my thoughts that even I cannot fathom. But forget her? Pfft. Never.

I smile, I laugh. Which is really good. But at night, when I’m alone, whilst I’m looking at her picture… Yeah, the usual. I cry. I used to wail (silently), you know? Like bawl out, screaming without a sound, asking disbelievingly why she had to go. Seems unreal that’s it’s been a year and a month, and 16 days since I last heard her voice and saw her still, cold body and face.

I could still remember what people kept on telling me after what happened. I’m so sorry, life goes on, you’re the mother of the family now, she loved you so much, you were her reason for surviving, etc.  Yeah, she was mine, too. That’s why I wanted to die when she left. Left this world. Left my Dad, my then 9-year-old brother. Left me.

Hey, this is not an emo post. I’m actually glad tears aren’t falling down my face as I’m typing this, unlike last year, just a mention of the word “Mom” makes me depressed and want to throw myself into the pits of hell, wailing in agony and grief. But a post regarding her is quite connected to new social media, so don’t go chewing me off yet.

Here goes my “what if” list. Out of the many.

1. What if she had a Facebook account?

I’m quite envious of some of my classmates and friends who have their parents on their “Friends” list (though it really sounds weird). Up to some point, it seems nice. Until they see that tagged picture of you in a sexy pose and a drink in your hand while in a party hosted by your organization. Gee, that scenario is so great.

But I do think about it. What if she had an FB account, and she invited me to be her friend? What if she had a Twitter account, and she started following me? It would seem that the online world would not have much hold on me since I’m quite limited in my online actions. She was very strict and conservative. But, I remember her allowing me liberties since she trusted my rational, responsible, intellectual mind. That I am old and smart enough to know the consequences of my actions.So, then again, it might be fun to have her online.

And so the question continues: What if?

2. What if UnliCall arrived way earlier?

Telebabad. That’s what. Every minute I’m out of the classroom.

I’ll be honest: I didn’t reply that often to her text messages containing “Haus ka na?” It’s one of the many things I truly regret. I kept turning it in my head how much she wanted to hear from me more often than I updated her back then. I feel that I am such a bad daughter because of that. I should have. I could have. But I didn’t.

Oh wait. No what if’s here. Just regret.

3. What if Heaven had Wi-fi?

She still wouldn’t be able to contact me. Did God give her a laptop? A desktop? A netbook? I sure hope He did.

But now that I think about it, she still wouldn’t be able to surf the Internet well. She doesn’t know how to do so! *chuckles* I can still remember when she would shriek at me, “Anak, anong nangyari? Bakit nawala? Ay, bumalik! Ay, tatay mong kalbo, nawala ulit! Ayoko na!” Don’t worry. The computer’s fine. She wasn’t.

One more: What if God taught her how to now that she’s up there? That would be cool. 😉

Mama, my beloved Mama, you are always in my heart, my mind, my memories. I wish I had the chance to teach you better how the Net works, or show you games other than Zuma (which you loved tremendously). I wish I was there when you were in pain. I wish I was there when you breathe your last breath. I wish I was holding your hand while it was still warm with life that was slowly ebbing away from you. I wish you’re still alive to finally see your wish fulfilled: that of me graduating on time. I wish. I hope. I pray.

19 years later, you're still as beautiful. 🙂

I love you. Always.

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